I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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