apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
my shit smells like andre
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
