if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
