How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize