Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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