My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
