I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
