I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Randomize
