umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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