my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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