thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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