we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
