I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
