I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
