i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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