hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
