Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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