It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
