oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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