:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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