my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
