I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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