I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize