I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize