I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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