running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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