Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
