I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
