yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
