I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize