worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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