oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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