my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
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