Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
