So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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