Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
