It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
