She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
