naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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