I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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