Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
