There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
