I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
