i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Barsexuality is the new black.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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