if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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