Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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