Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
