I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
