i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
