He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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