Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
