My boss' voice literally gives me gas
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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