If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
