I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
