he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
