we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
