I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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