I'm going to jail i love you
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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