the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
