I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
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