His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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